It’s tomorrow. Earlier today, I let this day scare me. Valentine’s Day scares a lot of us. It makes us feel worthless. But why? Why do we let it make us feel worthless? Why do we let it scare is? We have a choice. We don’t have to let this day name us. Instead, we can wake up with a smile, start the day off with a song that makes us feel alive. Instead, we can choose to be okay with everyone groping in the halls. Instead, we can be happy for those of our friends who are in love. I’m not in love with a boy. I never have been. But that certainly doesn’t mean i’m not in love. I’m in love with music. I’m in love with coffee. I’m in love with paino. I’m in love with singing. I’m in love with running. I’m in love with sunrises. I’m in love with dancing. And if you ask me, falling in love with a boy would be a mistake, because i’m already in love with life.
Tonight I watched The Lion King. I’d forgotten everything about this Disney classic, I didn’t even remember what that hilarious monkey’s name was. Well turns out, he’s a mandrill/baboon hybrid, and his name is Rafiki. So, the scene came up were Rafiki and Symba meet for the second time. I was expecting humor-simply because that’s one of the few elements i remembered of this mandrill/baboon hybrid. My memory served well, Rafiki is hilarious. But Rafiki said some things that really hit me. “Ahhh, change is good.” That one got me because up until tonight, I thought change was a bad thing. But Rafiki is a mandrill/baboon hybrid, and I should probably trust him. Rafiki then proceeds to smack Symba with his stick. Why Rafiki insists upon carrying a walking stick, I do not know. But, it makes him look incredibly old and wise, and I dig it. Anyways, Symba asks what that was for, and Rafki replies, “It doesn’t matter, It’s in the past.”
Symba: “It still hurts though…”
Rafiki: “Oh yes, the past can hurt; but the way I see it, you can either run from it…or learn from it.”
That made me realize, we can never leave our past behind. We’ll always have the scars, and the painful memories. All we can do is learn from our past, let it make us wise baboons like Rafiki.
Finally, Rafiki taught Timon the philosophy of “Hakuna Matata”. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem free philosophy. But maybe it’s more than that. Timon elaborates on this philosophy. He explains that sometimes, something bad happens and we can’t do anything about it. We just have to move on.
So…Rafiki, you hilarious mandrill/baboon hybrid, thank you. You taught me a lot tonight.
I am a dreamer. We all are…some just haven’t figured it out yet.
My dreams are big. They are what some may call unrealistic. But they are real. People have laughed at my dreams countless times. I laugh at my dreams too…simply because they are so unbelievebly big, scary, and they seem so far away. So I am 100% okay with people laughing at my dreams. What I am not okay with is people telling me that i can’t. That i won’t. But it gives me strength. Because every time someone tells me “You can’t”, I am motivated one thousand times. So, from this day forward, i vow to prove every single person who ever told me “You can’t” wrong. I can. I will. Watch me.
No one has ever asked me that question. Everyone thinks they know why everyone loves music. Nope. No one knows why I love music.
I love music because it is there for me when no one else, nothing else is. No one can take it away from me. On my darkest, most painful nights, when I don’t see a point in living anymore, music reminds me that I absolutely cannot give up on my story. It reminds me that I have purpose. It is what my story is about, the very reason that I am here. Music is, and always will be, at the very center of who I am.
nor have i ever been good at “expressing my feelings”. But this blog is an attempt to reflect on my story. My story has not been one of great excitement. It has not been one of great loss. And up untill about 6 months ago, it had not been one of great pain. Today, i still wouldn’t say my story is a painful one. I would simply say it’s one with many painful nights. These painful nights remember tears, frustration, darkness. These painful nights have left me completely broken on the floor, praying for help and longing for courage. They have made me hurt to even exist. They have made me feel insane, crazy, dangerous, but most of all, alone. Some nights aren’t painful at all, but are completely empty, leaving me frustrated and numb. As for days, I’m usually able to pull myself together, and put on a smile.
And though i lose hope most nights, there are nights in between. These nights are the nights i remember hope.
We’re all living stories. We’re all writing a little more of them as we live each day. Writing my story has been somewhat of a challenge. I’ve struggled with things that are constantly stigmatized and looked down upon. I wish more than anything that i could just stop writing this painful part of my story, but i know it’s not that simple. I also know that this is just a chapter. Yes, it’s a chapter i don’t have the courage to end right now, and maybe it’s a chapter that won’t simply end on its own. But it’s a chapter nonetheless-just a chapter in my beautiful story.
On nights when it gets hard, music is what fills the silence. It fills the air with a sort of happiness that cannot be taken away until I choose to turn it off. It fills me with hope that I thought I lost. It fills me with love that I thought I never found. It fills me with happiness I thought I couldn’t feel. It shows me light in my darkest moments. It tells me to believe. It tells me to try. So I will.
